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Mom's Musings
And Poetry
Since Jamie was taken from us,
putting my pain and grief into words
has been a great help on this journey.
So, this is a page of poems I have written,
and some thoughts on what I have learned along the way.
If you are on this journey of grief also, I hope they will
bring you some comfort and encouragement.
God Bless.
This is the first poem I wrote after
Jamie's death.
It had barely been two weeks, but I needed to try to
express some of the anguish and pain for the loss of Jamie
and our future with him.
Twenty Five Years
Twenty Five years were all we had.
What of the future?
What of your children,
Laughing and glad?
What of tomorrow
With all of it's promise?
What of your voice
Saying that precious word, Mama?
Gone now, still and cold,
Your radiant smile,
Your loving embrace,
Your beautiful soul.
Twenty Five Years,
So much lost, my beloved Son.
Karen McCombs
Looking back, I spent most of the
first year after
Jamie was killled, in a state of numbness and shock.
My mind was literally stunned into denial and disbelief.
I remember the first time the whole pain of his loss
overwhelmed me completely. It was toward the end
of September 1998. I had gone out to the cemetary
to change the flowers from Summer flowers to Fall ones.
In the months since he died, I had thrown myself into
doing anything to keep his memory alive. I started a
Memorial fund in his name to benefit a support group
that was founded with our Victim Advocate for survivors
of Homicide. I became greatly involved in online
support groups, offering help and support for grieving
moms like myself. On this day in September, as I
changed the flowers on his grave, it suddenly dawned
on me that Jamie had been gone for a full season
of the year! I also realized that I had been doing
a kind of bargaining with God...do enough good
works, make enough good come from this horrible
thing...and maybe He would change His mind
and make it "not true." That was the beginning
of the full load of grief falling on me. This next poem
I wrote on Halloween night, 1998. It came from my
attempts to find comfort in the eternity of the spiritual
realm, and from the beginnings of acceptance.
Heaven and Earth
When the warmth of the sun touches
my face,
I see your smile and feel your embrace.
I hear the whisper of love in the wind,
And I know that you are close to me, again.
The rain speaks of tears, the
thunder of pain,
But soon the sun comes, the earth to reclaim.
As the days come and go and the world moves on,
I know you're still here, you'll never be gone.
On the night the Angel came and took
your hand,
We cried as you left for an unknown land.
But Heaven rejoiced as you came into sight,
For your soul was a diamond, shining so bright!
Karen McCombs
This poem was written to express how
I felt
about all the wonderful Moms I had met through
My Mom Is A Survivor. I truly could not have
made it on this journey of grief without them. They
are still and always will be, a very important part of
my life.
The Journey
We struggle along, day by day, on
this journey we call grief.
None of us know where to go or how to meet each day.
We stumble in the darkness, no light to show the way.
Our hearts are worn, our dreams are torn, we question our belief.
The world is strange, no longer
ours, it's someone else's dream.
We try to find our way back home, but the path has ceased to be.
We need someone to find us, to light the path again.
Somewhere, up ahead, a light begins to
gleam.
Someone leads us by the hand to
others in the dark.
We join them with thankfulness and give to them our fears.
We find they have the very ones that brought us many tears.
So we join them on the journey and give them all our heart.
We learn we aren't alone here, the
path is very deep.
So many hearts are broken, so many lives are gone.
So many find each other along the journey we are on.
And we go on together, to climb this mount so steep.
Our load seems so much lighter, the
path not as long.
We reach for one another and lend a hand to all.
If one should falter and need us, we all hear the call.
We turn to the fallen one and help her to be strong.
We didn't choose this road we're on, we had no choice at all.
We'd turn back time to change it, we'd give our life for this
If we could bring our children back, and give them one more kiss
But since we can't, we'll continue on, until we hear His call.
Karen McCombs
This short, heartfelt poem, was
written only a few
weeks after the first anniversary of Jamie's death.
It's pretty much self-explanatory on my state of mind.
Why?
As each day passes by
I try to understand why
As each minute leaves
My heart still grieves.
My heart doesn't know
How this can be so:
That it must go on
Now that you've gone,
In the blink of an eye
With no time for good-bye.
As each minute leaves
My heart still grieves.
Karen McCombs
June 4, 1999
Grief is a strange thing. From one
day, or even one
minute, to the next, your feelings can change so much. It
truly is a rollercoaster. You start thinking you have
learned all there is to know, that you are learning
to live with your loss, finally...and then the earth
caves in under you again. Somewhere along the way,
you begin to understand to be grateful for the times
when you are at peace with your loss, because
as sure as the sun rises, you are going to be
plunged into the depths of pain again. From
others farther along on their journeys, we have
the assurance the the valleys will become less deep,
with time, but they will still come. The poem below
was written in one of those valleys.
A Mother's Tears
I have filled an ocean with tears.
Salty and bitter, they flow from my soul.
All the grief, all the pain
All the sadness, all the fears.
All the hurt, all the whys.
All the could haves, all the loss.
All the regrets, all the lost chances.
All the wants, all the goodbyes.
I have filled an ocean with tears.
Sweet and soft, they flow from my soul.
All the joy, all the laughter
All the love, all of the years.
All the rewards, all the smiles.
All the triumphs, all the hellos.
All that was right and all that was good.
All the kisses and hugs from my child.
I have filled an ocean with tears.
Salty and bitter, sweet and soft.
For love, for sadness, for joy, for pain.
I have filled an ocean with tears.
Karen McCombs
This poem is featured on
Mothers
With Angels
One Day
One day in May you went away.
One day in May you were here.
One day in May you were gone.
One day in May our hearts broke.
One day in May our lives changed.
One day in May we last saw your face.
One day in May we last heard your voice.
One day in May we last said, "I love you."
One day in May we last saw your smile.
One day in May we last felt your touch.
One day in May the sun fell from the sky.
One day in May darkness covered our world.
One day in May dreams died and laughter stopped.
One day in May we said good-bye.
Karen McCombs Oct. 10, 1999
It's Christmas Time Again
The world is filled with light and song
That fill us with pain, now that you're gone.
People rushing, running to and fro.
Another year gone, Dear Lord where'd it go?
We had a tree to place the presents we gave.
Now the Christmas Tree adorns your new grave.
Each shiny ornament and twinkling light,
Reminds us of how much we lost that night.
As the world celebrates the birth of Christ,
We are thankful for His gift of eternal life.
Without His promise of a Heavenly home,
We'd not have a reason to keep going on.
Maybe at some point in the coming years,
Once again Christmas will have no tears.
The Holidays, once happy, fill us with dread.
It's hard to believe in any happiness ahead.
Our hearts are filled with emptiness and pain,
Christmas cards sent, with our tears are stained.
How can we wish others for their dreams to come true,
When our dream won't happen, our wish is for YOU.
Karen McCombs
For Jamie
Dec. 19, 1999
All rights reserved
Heartbroken
A heart once whole, filled with joy,
That sang with gladness each new morn,
Is torn and bleeding, jagged wounds
Hiding pain behind a mask that's worn.
No one can see the terrible scars,
Shattered heart that can not sleep.
It's hidden well, silently screaming
Cradled in a pool of tears, so deep.
A mother's heart is strong and sturdy
To hold the love & pain it must bear.
But when it loses the child it loves
Ripped apart, it lies bleeding there.
How can a heart so hurt and broken,
Have the strength for carrying on?
How can it find the courage and will
With so much of it torn away & gone?
Questions, no answers. Broken hearts
Still beat. No reasons for How or Why.
Will it mend? Will it ever feel joy?
Healing so slowly as time passes by.
Waiting and longing for that time
To see you, touch you once again.
One day at a time, is all I can do.
Heaven is where broken hearts mend.
Karen McCombs
copyrighted May 28, 2000
'Mater Sandwich
I ate a tomato sandwich today.
I smiled as the memories took me away.
Just a small, simple, ordinary gain.
For two years this "pleasure" brought much pain.
The tomato was perfect, red and tasty, you see.
Sweet and tart on my tongue, in my mind...memories.
This humble fruit, one of nature's delights,
Was an intricately woven ritual in our lives.
We waited impatiently for the year's first taste.
We babied our plants, bid them to bloom with haste.
"Has yours bloomed yet?" "I've got tomatos on mine!"
"Mine's turing red, mom, it's just a matter of time!"
Thick, juicy sandwiches shared through the years.
This shared pleasure denied by my tears.
But...I ate a tomato sandwich today,
And...I smiled as the memories took me away!
Karen McCombs
copyrighted July 11, 2000
In Memory of Jamie
Before and After
In our house
everywhere I look
every inch of space
are memories of you
from the age of two
Echoing in the silence
exuberant, infectious laughter
squeals and screams of mirth.
Songs, laughter, talk and tears
trickle down from distant years.
Shutter click images
flicker so quickly past.
sunshine smiles, stormy brow
wide brown eyes sparkle bright
running, spinning in bright sunlight.
Memories of your touch
nuzzling baby soft sweetness
my arms held you tight.
Sticky kisses, grubby hands pat my face,
huge bear hugs in your strong embrace.
In our house
reminders are scattered about.
Your childish writing on the mantle.
“Jamie was here.” Mama’s scowl.
Prophetic words, my treasure now.
Years fly past
faster and faster.
Seasons blur by one after another.
Whirlpool in the glass of sand.
Baby, boy, teen and man.
Until a deafening explosion
of silent screams and blinding darkness
slams my world to a shuddering halt.
Your life is stolen. Your terror and pain,
your pleas for mercy, all in vain.
The sounds, sights and touches
are nightmare scenes now.
Your lifeless body, your blood,
the faces of your dad and brother.
Disbelief, horror, uncontrollable shudders.
Is that my voice
screaming again and again?
“Jamie! Jamie! Oh, God Please, NO!”
In answer Grandmothers and sirens wail.
Cacophony builds like a rising gale.
Shivering at shock’s icy touch
hot tears scorch and burn.
My mind reels, sliding away.
Trembling in someone’s comforting embrace,
so numb now I can’t remember their face.
Time moves on.
My eyes search for your smile.
My ears listen to hear your voice.
My arms ache to hold you once more.
You’re out of reach, behind death’s door.
Events remembered now as before and after.
Entwined ribbons of light and darkness
as memories braid strength and weakness,
despair and hope. Building a bridge across
my life on each side of the chasm of loss.
Karen McCombs
March 18, 2001
The poem above came to be because I was asked to do a reading of my
poetry at the opening Ceremony for South Carolina's Victim's Rights Week,
April 17, 2001. I wanted a poem that would convey how violence
changes our lives.
Then Came Spring Trying To Find My Way
This page last updated April 15, 2001. Music by Bruce DeBoer Graphics by Full Moon Graphics All writings on this page are copyrighted to Karen McCombs© and not to be used without permission.
In the Winter of grief
The world is gray.
My heart is dark and cold.
There is no color,
Only a monochrome
Of black and shades of black.
A thick wall of ice
Isolates me and I
Am numbed to the pain.
Life goes on but
It doesn't touch
The emptiness that enfolds my soul.
Time passes, days and nights
That blur with the
Dead weight of dreams forever lost.
But with the passing
Of time change
Comes, though I resist and struggle.
For how can I allow myself
To feel joy, peace
When I live and you don't?
Do I dishonor
You by finding pleasure in life?
But Spring always follows Winter
Even in our grief.
Color comes into life again.
Warmth and sunshine illuminate
The dark places
I know at last that love still
Lives.
Karen McCombs
Jan. 27, 2002
Trying to find my way
In a world that changed
Between heartbeats.
I never saw it coming
Could not have imagined
In my worst nightmares.
Trying to find my way
In the surreal landscape
Of a life that isn’t mine.
How could this be my life?
This is not what I had planned
This is not how things should be.
Trying to find my way
When I no longer know
Who I am.
Where did “I” go?
This is not the me I was before
I don’t know this person.
Trying to find my way
Lost in the nightmare of
Violence and death.
My identity is gone
Who am I now?
Who will I become?
Trying to find my way
Through the future unknown
Wondering if I can.
Karen McCombs
April 29, 2002
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